I'amafunnything

We all have wounds, small and big, on our skin or in our hearts. Wounds of violence, wounds of betrayal and for being hurt , wounds of being scared or in all for not feeling well for being in our own skin . Wounds that have hurt us in different ways and in all different amount of time. We all have choosed our own way to handle them and make the best or the worst of it. Some take the way of ending their own life cause of the pain and for feeling is the only way for them. Then there are thoose who choose to angle the pain towards them self trough their own skin, deep or on the surface. The choice of doing so is because directing the pain to one spot, the pain disappears for a minute. Or so it was for me cause I thought that if I directed my pain towards one spot on my arm I could feel calm and stop feeling pain for a little while. Cause well psychical i did not feel well at all.

 

I have lived with this pain for a while, this pain stabbing me in the chest over and over, causing me to feel tired almost all the time and turn my brain into mush. The reason why are many different reasons, one is that it ended with my ex we had well some problems that we could not solve together . It broke me I can’t really lie about that and the fact how it ended it was makes me even more angry then the break up itself. Cause I had felt that I had done so much and put so much effort to it and still it ended and (and no I don’t blaime my ex for this, and no it’s not the main reason why I did this, its my own doing cause of pain I have felt for a long time before that and with this being one of the things pushing the pain over the edge). I can’t force someone to be together with me cause it’s not the right thing, for both parts. I understand and respect the fact that it ended cause it was not right and for my ex for feeling the way when it ended. The way it ended is one thing though I can’t forgive him for and I probably won’t do so in the near future either.

 

One other reason is my own thoughts, thoughts of feeling not being good enough or asking myself why am I even in this world, who even needs me, feeling completely worthless. But then again this thoughts I have had since my younger days for about the fourth grade towards well to now when I am 23. I have never had any confidence in myself or the things I do and the fact that I did not feel well was because I was bullied in school, and it made me feel like I was I was a good for nothing loser and not worth a thing. In reality I still feel that some times and it can take over a whole day if not more for it to go away.

One third reason is questioning myself of who I am and trying to understand my own behaviours and feeling mad when I can’t get an answer of why and what is causing it. This is making my brain spin some more turns than usual. I still don’t know why I behave in some ways, but I have a hunch of what might be causing it and I’m going to figure it out as well and get the facts straight. For as long as I can remember I have had some form of OCD, where my own thoughts being the main reason for some of my behavours and actions. And now when I’m older is more my thoughts being in a form of ocd where I question every choice I take and it doesn’t show as much in my actions as before. But it shows to a point where it effects my life so much that it is hard to focus on anything else.

All of this things and thought and maybe even more reasons pushing me towards doing what I did cause well I was so damn tired and well I could not take it and wanted to release it and not feel it even if it was for a while. And I gotta tell you this is not the first time, I have actually done it three times before this. And well it’s almost the same things causing it the times before more or less. When I did it this time I was not in good shape at all, mentally I was tired, my sleep was affected, I could not eat anything cause I felt like I was about to puke if I ate something and I was almost digging my own grave. I fucking lost myself in the pain.

After this I did not want to anything but beeing around people, because never have I ever felt so lonley as I did at that point. With the help from my family I had the chance which I took and I was able to go home over the summer and being with them for almost four months. And it was one of the best chocies I did cause this trip gave me so much more than I could ever have imagined.

I got to spend much time with my family, I got to meet most of my friends and hang out with them, I got to spend much time with the nature, with the forest and the sea. I got a really cool job where I met supernice people and where I felt welcomed from day one. I started to work out more again, taking bikerides to, during and after work and lifting weights when I was not to tired.

Today my wound is healing together with me, healing and trying to take everyday with a smile. I still have a long way to go because this is just step one on the road for me. And well yeah it does not show as much but even so I know the wound has been there and what it has done to me as a person. But because all of this things above that I had a chance to do because of this I could not be where I am now. Happy and loving life and not as scared of it anymore or feeling it as a pointless thing.

 

The reason why I share this with you all is not for the reason of seeking attention or getting some sort of recognition for this. I choose to share this because this is a painful thing to go through and some don’t have the possibilites of working through it and choose to end it instead. The society work with it on some levels but at the same time we choose to ignore it or hide the fact that the pain exicsts. We can’t handle the fact that physical pain exist and maybe not as much as before we still judge thoose with some form of mental illness or feeling bad overall. I don’t want to be afraid to share this with you and I don’t want anybody else feel it either. We should all work and make it possible for everyone to get through this kind of pain, give them support and help them become happy.